I can do it! I must do it!!!

assalamualaikum.... semalam petang me n hubby pegi jumpa prof to followup about my fertility matter again.. this time, we mintak prof to comment on the 2 beta hcg tests yang dah buat hari tu cause dua2 result sama <1.2 mlU/ml.. for pregnant level usually 2 - 15mlU/ml... sedey bila prof said "emm.. nampaknye tak ade persenyawaan masa but iui hari tu. it's either telur tak pecah sepenuhnya or may be although telur tapi kosong"... huh!! sedey sangat bila dengar prof cakap macam tu... rasa nak menangis aje but try to tahan.. hubby nampak air mataku berlinang aje... suddenly, there's a pause in the doctor's room... may be prof pun paham i'm feeling down at that moment... prof explained further on the problem... now i start to realise how serious is PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) .... one thing i learned about PCOS's patient is kalu kite period, tak semestinya means subur... although telur byk mana keluar, it doesn't ensure that telur tu ade quality... hish, macam2 rupanye jenis2 penyakit nie... so, the next step for my problem, prof advise me to reduce my weight... he want me to reduce 4kg within 2 months... memang la payah.. but when i think hard about my health and having a family, i think i have to think seriously.. kalu tak, sampai bila nak solve this problem... beside that, prof ade kasi reductil and increase my metaformin level to help me to reduce my weight... what i need to do now is to eat healthy and nutritious food.. bye2 to fast food and fatting food... i have to force myself to eat more veges and fruit... what i need the most is support from hubby, dad n friends... i know i can do it... insyallah... kalu berjaya, i will reward myself... ape dia?? rahsiaa... :)... pls doa for my success... wasalam

Adakah aku yang bersalah?

assalamualaikum... today, i felt so sad n stress... not of because thinking too much about pregnancy, but soo stress with my father's servant (yelah, maklumlah abah yang bayar gaji dia.. me n zam sekadar menumpang)... makin hari makin melampau betul dia nie... it all started since last friday... malam sebelum tu dah cakap kat dia hubby nak makan pau kacang for the next morning breakfast... sekali bgn2 pagi nampak dia buat nasik goreng and pau... laaa.. cakap la awal2 kalu nak buat menu sendiri... bole dia jawab " yelah, nasik semalam banyak. jadi saya buat la nasik goreng"... hishh minah nie... mentang2 la aku nie cuma anak boss, kau nak pinggirkan aku ya... kite marahkan dia pagi tu aje.. tapi dia punye merajuk 2 hari... chech!! yang paling tension is bila kite pulak kena sound ngan abah n hubby... abah siap kata kite yang terlampau marekan dia la... dah tu cara marah tu buat org lagi mare.. lerr... then, zam pulak kata my body language show that i'm so mad with her... eee... bukannya kite maki hamun dia.. cuma sekadar tegur tapi tegas... siap lepas pagi tu, kite tegur dia baik2 pun dia tak mo jawab.. lepas 2 3 kali panggil baru jawab... hati nie dah mula nak maki tapi sabooooo... hari ahad baru ok... then, today pulak dia buat hal lagi... semalam org suruh dia bakar roti baguette... dia pi potong 1/2... org tanye nape... dia kata "semalam saya dengar suruh potong dua"... eee bila pulak aku suruh!!! memandai ajeee... then, sebelum kuar pi kedai, siap 2 kali pesan kat dia.. "nanti udang saya potong ya".... 2 kali repeat tau!!! sekali balik2 dr kedai, aduh!! udang tu dah kodong kaki n kepala berlubang... arggghhhhhh.... sabo aje laa... hilang la kemanisan udang bapak ku beli... so ape lagi, aku pun cuba recall kat dia.. "kan saya kata biar saya potong"... may be tu kot, again she don't want to talk to me... tak bole terima cause masa tu kena tegur depan abah... sampaikan minum petang tadi, langsung tak tanye nak minum ape... emmm... adakah aku yng bersalah??? tah la.. lately nie servant abah nie asyik nak buat hal... ingat duduk rumah bole relak... makin tensen pulak ade... arghhhhh... nie dah sabo sesabonyaa.. tapi bak kata org sabo ade hadnya... yg paling mare bila org cakap ngan dia langsung dia buat derk.. baik cakap ngan dinding macam nie... eeeeee... rasa nak mula maki pun dah nie... tah laa.. nanti cakap kat abah n zam, last2 kite kena sound balik... baik pi sembahyang dulu laa.... wasalam...

Anak Oh Anak...

assalamulaikum.... tadi masa tengah teman abah minum petang, cuba selak paper utusan.. saja aje... just to check what's the hot news today... tetiba, ternampak satu interesting headline kat muka depan surat khabar kecik kat utusan - mega... "Kasih anak buangan".... sayu sangat bila baca artikel dia... tak sangka tetiba aje rasa teremotional... air mataq pun terkuar sikit... after reading the article, my opinion is baby nie sangat lah beruntung... walaupun mak n ayah dia tinggalkan dia kat umah org, keluarga angkat dia betul2 sayang kat dia... dia bak penyeri keluarga tu... lagilah bila ibu angkat dia dah 3 kali gugur.. sekali bila dia dtg ke family tu, alhamdulillah rezeki berlimpah ruah... ibu angkat mengandung 3 bulan.... rezeki keluarga bertambah... ya allah, sesungguhnya kaulah maha berkuasa lagi mengetahui... sungguh besar keagunganmu... satu lagi rasa touch sangat is naluri seorang yang bernama ibu.... betapa seorang ibu sayang and kasih bila tengok pada baby tu... sanggup dia and hubby dia susah payah nak dapat hak penjagaan baby tu... bila tengok muka baby, alahaiiii cutenya... semoga dia akan jadi seorang anak yang soleha satu hari nanti... :)... i'm speechless... semoga allah akan juga beri rezeki pada keluarga kami... selain dari usaha tradisional dan moden, kami akan senantiasa berdoa pada Nya... ya allah, kabullah permintaan kami... berilah kami zuriat yang sempura, soleh dan sehat... aminnn... wasalam...

amik lagi laa...

assalamualaikum.... pagi tadi macam biasa... sebelum zam pi kerja, he will drop me off to the hospital again.. today is the result day again... sampai kul 8.45am... i expect the doctor (since prof. hashim is not around today, so another relief malay women doctor has took over the task) will come around 9.00am to 9.30am... sekali dia dtg kul 10.15am... aduhhh!! lamanyaaa kena tunggu dia... sampai tertido kat sofa... nasib baik tak sampai tahap berdengkur.. kalu dak, gempak satu clinic dengar kite buat okestra... hehhee... then, nasib la baik kat clinic pun tak ramai org sangat... may be today is the sample day cause ramai hubby2 kena bagi sampel dia org... bilik berkat sure jam la pagi nie... he he he... again, i got the same answer... my result did npot show that i'm pregnant.. doctor pelik cause my telur banyak and zam punye sample pun good... nape tak ade persenyawaan ye?? siap tanye lagi kat doctor... "although perut saya dah betul2 tegang masa tu, still telur tak pecah ke?".. doctor tu pun tak tahu nak jawab... last2 dia kata "since there is no sign of bleeding since now, why don't we do another hcg test next week?"... emmm good answer to avoid complicated question... so next week, i need to met again the "vampire"... tu nurse tu kata hari senin jumpa vampire... haro selasa jumpa drakulla... she refer's to prof la tu.. ehehhehee... :) haiyoooo... muahhsss... wasalam

Injection & Shopping Day

assalamulaikum... as promised, i went to do my beta hcg test again today at 8.45am... in the morning, dad gave me a special cream to apply before the injection... he mentioned that this cream may help me to feel painless when taking injections... just apply to the position where the nurse aim to inject... so, i did told the nurse before she started to inject me.. however, she really surprised me when she say "puan, cream nie hanya effect lepas kite apply 1 hour sebelum amik inject"... huh!! what i remember the nurse at lv 7 hukm specialist applied the cream to my dad a minute before they inject him for blood test... emmm.. whatever laa.. i think i cann't run away with the pain.. however, this time is much much better... i think that this lady nur

Saving...

se is more experience that the last male nurse... sakit sikit2 aje... after the test, i heading back to home around 9.15am... may dad pity with me as i 'm so worry with the test result, he want me to accompany him to Great Eastern shopping mall... abah nak carik ape? jom la kite jalan2 kat cold storage beli benda2 nonsense.. hehehhe.. aikkk, macam tau2 aje anak nie gila jalan... hehhee... jgn di tolak rezeki yang datang... so, we went there around 11.30am... macam biasa, bila pegi supermarket macam2 nak beli... abah syok tengok daging lembu n ayam... siap beli ekor lembu tuk buat sup... wah!! plan ahead abah ku niee... lepas tu beli udang galah... wahh!! makan besar la kite org lepas nie... yg paling touch bila abah kata selagi aku ade duit, baik aku makan ngan anak n menantu aku... buat ape simpan duit, nanti org yang tak patut dpt duit aku yg enjoy... aku pun ape lagi la sokong diaa... last2 abah spend round rm300 just for grocery... beli tak la byk.. cuma harga daging mahal... for lunch, belanja abah nasik ayam kat chicken rice shop... we just tapau the food... for the first time ever, makan nasik ayam bole rasa kenyang gila sampai ke malam... nie pun rasa full sangat lagi... alahai, perut pun rasa tegang nie... wokey la.. got to go.. nak main games kat fb.. take care.. muahhss.. wasalam

A boring weekend....

assalamualaikum.... emm hari nie hari ahad, 7 march 2010... selalunya time weekend nie, we satu family rest kat umah masa pagi and then, petang or malam mesti kuar sama2... but today is different.. my weekend is very dull n boring... staying at home the whole day... nanti main net selalu kena perli pulak!! no one has ever understand my feeling... internet la tempat nak curah perasaan... semalam, hubby janji gilos nak bawak breakfast kat macdonald... teringin lak nak makan pancake.... sekali pagi nie, breakfast kat restaurant kayu lagi... this is because pagi sebelum gi breakfast, hubby gi amik best friend dia yang nama pun sama... panggilan manja kawan dia zam omar... lepas aje gi breakfast, hubby hantar kite balik umah.. hubby n kawan dia kuar gi amik photo... tah mana tah dia org gi.. tadi around 12.30pm, dia balas sms ade kat tasik perdana... then, tadi call dia and dia kata ade kat putrajaya.. ape la janji nak tea sama2 kat umah.. org siap dah beli kek... punah semuaaaaaaaa.... sapa tak tension!!! for lunch tadi memang actually tadi tak ade idea nak masak ape... tetiba pulak rasa ingin mencoba masak nasik beryani gam daging ngan acar timun n karot... memula tu cuakn takut gak cause rempah beryani nie beli kat mekah hari tu... siap cap maggi tau... dah la cara buat ade nampak simple... rasa tu tak tahu la ok ke dak... but since abah pun bagi sokongan suruh try, so ape lagi la.. just try an error bak kata org alhamdullillah jadi!! yaahoooo... syukurrr.. cuma abah comment masin sikit... mungkin cause guna beras mati tu yang nasik elok macam nasi yg jual kata kedai... lepas nie leh la berniaga... he he he... since, ade lebih sikit, kite hantar kat mat di kedai sri wangsa.. minta tukang masa kedai lak comment.. he he he... next mission masak kari dal sayur.. alala macam makan kat umah org kawen tu.. insyallah, i will try it sooon... doakan ya... acar timun n karot ala cayang... nasi beryani gam daging olala.... malam nie hubby dah janji ngan abah nak dinner sesama kat restaurant kayu nasi kandar lagik... again, sehari 2 kali gi kedai sama.. fush, sure mamak restaurant nie salute abah n hubby aku... mana taknya.. contributor yang terbaik..... abah memang dah syok abis ngan kari ikan dia.. aiyoooo... tapi tadi bila call hubby mintak dia confirm about tonight dinner, dia pulak kata tak sure makan sama ke tak nanti... laaa?? tukar pulak ke??? emmm.. tah la tak tahu macam mana nak cakap... nanti cakap kata kite mare... tah laaa... dah rasa nak mare, ngais n geram pun ade nie.. aduh!! esok my beta hcg test lagi.... eeeeee.... sabo sabo sabooo.... that's all.. no idea laaa... sowee.. wasalam

kawan oh kawan

assalamualaikum... actually, la nie tak tahu nak buat ape... nak main game kat fb, semua tengah pending to harvest / collect.. nak tulis kat blog, tak ade idea pulak.. hishh... may be cause tak ade activity lately nie... asyik "peram" kat umah aje, tu kot nothing much to story... ne masa tengah taip nie sambil2 tu tengok drama lawak "angguk-angguk geleng-geleng" kat tv2... tak ade la lawak best mana.. kalu nak santai sambil relak minda bole la layan... tetiba aje masa tulis nie, teringat kat hubby kat opis.. hishh, macam mana la dia la nie?? sure stress n sabo ngan karenah opismates dia.. as i have story earlier, memang opis my hubby nie penuh ngan politic.. sapa yg pandai ampun n gosok boss, hidup aman bahagia... yang salah pun dikatakan betul... tapi bagi org yang bangkang (bangkang kerna benar...) n tak ampun bos, siaplah kena keje kaw-kaw.. contoh yang paling dekat macam my hubby la... weekend pun opismate call cause nak urgent job.. kalu tak layan, siap pegi ngadu kat bos tu... ade tu, kalu my hubby tak mo gi lunch ngan dia org, siap pegi ngadu kat bos... ape laa opismate dia nie... langsung tak berpikiran professional... hish!! be adult man... sabo aje laa... ape pun... i always remind my self... in life especially in office, kalu kite nak carik kawan tuk happy n senang2, memang senang nak carik... sapa2 bola jadi kawan kite... tak payah carik pun dia akan dtg sendiri... tapi kalu kawan tuk susah n sedey, bole dikira ngan jari tangan n kaki... lagi bila ade prob, situlah kite bole tahu teman kite nie kawan or musuh kite... lagilah bila kite mati2 tolong dia buat keje, sekali yang dpt mana orang lain... situation macam nie, kite pun mare.. so, in the nutshell, berhati2 lah masa kite berkawan... ape pun, i'm happy and proud to have such a wonderful friends all around... :)... alhamdulillah... take care... wasalam...

Ouch!!! Not another test....

assalamualaikum... this morning, i went to the MAC clinic in HUKM alone... zam need to go to work... so, as he is on the way to his office, he drop me off at the clinic entrance at 8.30am.. sayu plus takut bila masuk clinic... sayu cause tengok org hubby ikut... i'm the "lone ranger".... then, rasa takut tu cause nak amik result test semalam... kecut gak rasa hati... 9.45am prof came.... 9.47am, my name was called... prof told me that my result is <1.2ml.. it shows that there is no fertility happened... what?? he was shocked too.. he paused... he advised me to do another beta HCG test again next week.. alahaii, nie yg lomah nie... kene cucuk lagi tak tahan nie... aduhhhh... baru tahu for pregnant levels, i need to achieve 2-5mlU/ml... wah!! lepas nie kena "work hard" to achieve that target... when i heard this news, i felt sad... terdetik dalam hati nie... nape la susah sangat nak mengandung nie... cuba pujuk hati nie "mungkin belum rezeki lagi kot"... hopefully, that it will show +ve result next week... insyallah.. kadang2 tu, terpikir juga nape la susah nak conceive... semua dah buat... cuma mungkin ade dosa2 yang allah belum ampunkan.. mungkin allah masih menguji hambanya... hanya allah saja yang tahu jawapannya... as for me now, what i have to do is to be strong... i have to believe to myself that i can do it... insyallah kalu ade rezeki, adalah tu... hanya allah yg tahu macam mana perasaan buat masa nie... it's hard for me to show in words... insyallah, i will never give up... selain dari usaha sendiri, i need to banyakkan doa dan zikir pada allah swt... mungkin dengan nie, kite akan selalu ingat padaNya... wasalam...

A short day in HUKM

assalamualaikum... my day today start with my trip to HUKM... arrived there around 10am.. hubby drop me at the front enterance near MAC... wah!! parking dah penuh masa tu.. need to wait for hubby around 30 minutes... tapi thanks god tak kena park kat area stadium.. kalu dak, cian zam kena menapak jauh dlm cuaca panas... after gotten the letter to proceed on Beta HCG test, i went to O & G clinic.. fuyooo ramainya ibu2 mengandung... ade perut kecik.. ade perut besar n may be dah sarat kot... frankly, i love to see pregnant mom.. why?? to me, they look sweet and beautiful... the more bigger their stomach, the more gloomy their faces.. i also imagine if i am in their shoes... sure look sexy... hehhe.. dah la masa tu sure kena jalan slow with perut maju ke depan.. then, pakai pulak baju pregnant lawa2... masa tu, hubby kite pun mesti extra caring on us... i wish one day i can feel this moment again.. insyallah the time will come again... allah maha mengetahui... :)... ingat lagi masa pregnant in year 2008... although i only managed to pregnant till 5 months, i 'm happy and thankful to allah swt cause giving me chance to have that precious n wonderful moment as a monther to be... every second and minute i put my priority to the baby in my stomach... ape pun, allah lebih menyayangi dia... insyallah... bila ade rezeki nanti, bolelah rasa sekali lagi the moment of pregnancy... eeee... i really cann't wait... ya allah, berilah aku zuriat yang sempurna, sehat dan comel.... aminnn... ok, back to my story at the O & G clinic... when my name was called to the test payment (cost only RM5... murahnyaaa), some patients were a bit shock... mana taknya, kerani tu panggil "Puan Saiful" and terus senyum sinis.... lerr, saya tulen la bang!!! lepas tu, terus gi makmal to do the test.. aduh, sakitnya bila tukang amik darah tu tak jumpa vain kat lengan kite... siap dia gerudi laa.. ngan muka tak malunya... "aduhh!! sakitnyaaa"... terus dia kata kite try kat area bawah tgn pulak la... alhamdulillah berjaya pun dapat my darah... tapi sakitnya jgn cakap macam kena gigit 20 semut api... may be cause the nurse tak pro in taking blood... hishh.. sabo aje la... anyway, i'm happy with the service in O & G clinic... to me, the service there is much better than the service at level 7 private wings... although O & G clinic is under government service that need to serve many patient with different attitude, they still can managed the crowd well without showing any bad emotions... tak macam kat private wings where most of the nurses kepala angin... after the blood test, i went up to level 7 to make my doc appointment.. ingat better go personally rather than call... kite nie tanye la kat satu malay nurse nie elok2... rupanye dah la dia malas... just imagine nak carik doctor appointment book pun terkial2... tu belum lagi suruh dia check bila available... this is not only one nurse ya.. mostly the malay nurse yg duduk kat kaunter pendaftaran semuanya suka berborak, menggatal and main handphone aje... etika keje langsung tak ade.. hish!! buat malu aje... nasib baik la ade satu indian nurse nie.. very professional and helpful.... betul dr. mahathir kata "melayu mudah lupa... " i need to be in the hospital again tomorrow for my followup result... if it is +ve, i need to take another injection every weekly to make my ovum strong... hope everything will be fine tomorrow... pray for me ya... ya allah, murahkanlah rezeki kami.. berilah kami zuriat ya allah... aminnn... wasalam and take care